Still alive

I am still alive. Busy as hell but still alive. Currently have no pace to live when I move to the city in like a week. Fun stuff. Internet will be very limited. Updates probably even more sporadic than currently. Have fun wondering if today is the day I got hit by that bus....

Hip Hip ...

HOORAY! I woke up this morning to find several pices of mail waiting for me. So, after a sweet night out with Karleen, I got my transcripts from Alberta learning, my diploma marks, and a letter from Grant MacEwan. Good news. I have more credits total than I thought I did, I finished English and Applied Math 30 with honours. Also, I was accepted to take my bachelor of arts at the Grant Mac. I applied so late that I thought I would have to apply again next year. This is just blowing my mind. So I looked up everything I could think of that I needed to know, I printed a bunch of things off for my parents to go through with me, and I just have to go to the bank to get a money order for my tuition deposit. One of the things I printed was a residence application so that I can submit that, it would simply be stellar if I managed to get a room there as well, because Kathleen and Meghan Lightle are going to be living in res too. It would kick ass. I feel so much better already that I got in, that was a big part of my worries, maybe once I get a place to live sorted out and get my fees paid I will be able to relax again.

Kiss Kiss

Hello?

It has been far to long since I last posted. More than a month. Some people probably think I'm dead by now :P. It has been mad-crazy lately with grad plans and exams and everything. My life seems to be changing too rapidly to keep up with everything since my last post. I mean, it is all fucking insane that I just wish I could hide in bed all day.

Hearts to Katie, who has managed to keep me sane.(-ish)

Kiss Kiss

Happy?

Sometimes I wonder if I am actually happy. Most of the time I feel happy, but then out of nowhere, for no apparent reason, I will just start crying. Nothing will be done to make me feel upset at the time, I just cry. I know that I am a teenage girl, and that it is what teenage girls do, but I don't like it. My hormones shouldn't be that out of wack because I am on regulating hormones, (ah birth control and your many uses...). It makes me wonder if that means that right now I am so depressed that I have actually hidden it from myself. Sometimes, lately, the smallest thing will set me off with thoughts of death and suicide. I know that it is stupid, but I can't seem to stop these thoughts. They are different somehow, though than when I used to have suicidal thoughts before. I can't quite explain what makes them different, I just know that they are. Also lately, my urges to cut have been very strong. I want to be able to graduate and say that I didn't cut during my grade 12 year, and I am so close. I also want to be able to say that I haven't cut since I turned 18. So far, both of them are true, but I am not sure how long I will be able to say that. I know this seems like a cry for help, and I think maybe it is, but mostly the only thing I can do is fight this on my own, and I just feel better knowing that I have said/written it down somewhere, and that it is out there in cyber-space.

I love you all.

wee!

I feel kinda bad that I haven't seen Karleen's blog yet, and I feel bad that I haven't email Katie her thing yet. I've just been so tired lately that I come home, sit up for a short time, and go right to bed after work. I don't want to go online late at night and stay up until 12 of later. I have been going to bed mostly at 10 or 11 lately and I am still just wiped the next morning. Even if I manage to get a fair amount of sleep. Basically its crazy.

I had all these things in my head last night for a post, but i can't think of them now. Realy they were gone about 15 minutes after I first thought of them. So obviously not that important, but still.

Archives

I was going through my archives, and wow. It is crazy to think that what I wrote then , just like what I write now, is what is/was going through my mind. I know that this is true for everybody, escpecially when they are teenagers, but I've changed alot since then. Crazy, crazy.

Survey

I did this survey about a year ago. This is the link if you feel you want to check out my previous answers, as some of them have changed. scroll down as it is the month's archive page. http://xavea.blogspot.com/2005_05_01_xavea_archive.html
Some of the questions are maybe a little bit dated as well, but too bad.


If you want to do it, copy and paste, and BOLD the things that are true for you.
001. I miss somebody right now.
002. I watch more tv than I used to.
003. I like olives.
004. I love sleeping.
005. I own a home.
006. I wear glasses or contact lenses.
007. I love to play video games.
010. I have been in a threesome.
011. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
012. I like my handwriting.
013. I have acne-free skin.
014. I like and respect Al Sharpton.
015. I curse frequently.
016. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.
017. I have a hobby .
018. I have been to another country.
019. I carry my knife/razor/whip/whatever weapon you want here everywhere with me.
020. I'm reasonably smart .
021. I've never broken anyone else's bones.
023. I love rain.
024. I'm paranoid at times.
025. I would get plastic surgery if it was 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
026. I need money right now.
027. I love sushi.
028. I talk really, really fast sometimes.
029. I have fresh breath in the morning.
030. I have semi-long hair .
031. I have lost money in Las Vegas
.032. I have at least one brother and/or sister
033. I was born in a country outside of the U.S.(CANADA!!!)
034.I shave my legs.
035. I have a twin.
037. I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
038. I like the way that I look.
040. I know how to do cornrows.
041. I am usually pessimistic.
042. I have mood swings.
043. I think prostitution should be legalized.
044. I think Britney Spears is pretty .
045. I have cheated on a significant other.
046. I have a hidden talent...
047. I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
048. I have random singing outbursts.
049. I am currently single.
050. I have kissed someone of the same sex. (hehe)
051. I enjoy talking on the phone.
052. I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
053. I love to shop.
054. I would rather shop than eat.
055. I would classify myself as ghetto.
056. I'm bourgeoisie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders.
057. I'm obsessed with my diary.
058. I don't hate anyone.
059. I'm a pretty good dancer.
060. I don't think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington.
061. I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
062. I have a cell phone.
063. I watch MTV on a daily basis.
065. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.(been drunk yes, passed out, no)
067. I have never been in a real relationship before.
068. I've rejected someone before.
069. I currently have a crush on someone.
070. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
071. I want to have children in the future.
072. I have changed a diaper before.
074. I bite my nails.
075. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club.
076. I'm not allergic to anything deadly .
077. I have a lot to learn.
078. I have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger.(wondering why this is a different answer? I found out the age difference was actually 7 years)
079. I plan on seeing Ice Cube's newest "Friday" movie.
080. I am very shy around the opposite sex.
081. I'm online 24/7, even as an away message.
082. I have at least 5 away messages saved.
083. I have been rejected by someone.
084. I have made a move on a friend's significant other in the past.
085. I own the "South Park" movie.
086. I have avoided work to play on OD.
087. When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum.
088. I enjoy country music.
089. I love my best friends.
090. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.
092. I'm obsessive and often a perfectionist.
093. I have used my sexuality to advance my career .(but I would)
094. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.
095. I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story".
096. Halloween is awesome!
097. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it.
098. I have dated a close friend's ex.(slept with one, if you count it)
099. I'm happy as of this moment.
100. I have gone scuba diving.
101. I have had a crush on someone you have never met.
102. I've kissed someone I knew I shouldn't.
103. I play a musical instrument.
104. I strongly dislike math.
105. I'm procrastinating on something right now.
106. I own and use a library card.
107. I fall in "lust" more than in "love."
108. Cheese enchiladas rock my socks.
109. I think Lord of the Rings is one of the best movies/books ever written.
110. I'm obsessed with the tv show "The O.C."
111. I am resentful that I have to grow up.
112. I am an entirely different person around different people.
113. I think the world would be a better place if people just smiled more often.
114. I think ramen is one of the best foods in the whole world.
115. I am suffering from a broken heart.
116. zzzzZZZZZzzzzzz
117. No matter where I am or who I'm with, I always seem to be lonely.
118. I am left handed and proud of it.
119. I try not to change who I am for someone.
120. My heart resides below my feet.
121. I have had sex with someone I was not in a relationship with.
122. I enjoy smoothies.
123. I have had major surgery.
124. I have adopted a pet from the SPCA.
125. I am listening to Radiohead right now.
126. Some people call me by a nickname.
127. I once stole a music stand.
128. I like pumpkin pie.
129. I love NASCAR!
130. I own over 200 CDs.
131. I work 7 days a week.
132. I have mono.
132. I don't have the ability to make decisions without changing my mind
133. People tell me I have a horrible sense of humor.
134. I'm in my PJs.
135. I'm looking for love in all the wrong places.
136. I have a tendency to fall for the wrong boys, or have them fall for me, so I can't help but reciprocate.
137. I'll try anything three times.
13 8. Done drugs other than alcohol or cannabis.(I was drugged once if you want to count that)
139. I'm having trouble sleeping.
140. I am a cuddler.
141. I love John Waters films.
142. I have made a pornographic videotape.
143. Sloth is my favorite deadly sin.(Lust is mine)
145. I know all the words to the "Firefly" theme song.
146. I love Dr. Pepper.
147. I'm a programmer.
148. I can't explain why I'm unhappy at times.
149. I own and have read all the Harry Potter books.
150. I like to smell my own hair.
151. I carry a book with me almost everywhere I go.
153. I have flown to a different country to see a band.
154. Been hospitalized for "mental issue".
155. I have survived totaling a car I was driving.
156. I am addicted to Manga/anime.
157. Somehow I always seem to get myself into trouble.
158. I have dated someone for longer than 2 years
159. I have been hit by flying Eric Szmanda spittle.
160. I have lived in three different countries.
161. I have tattoos.(not yet)
162. I have lost someone I cared about deeply.
163. I am not human until I have had some form of caffiene.
164. I can't use can openers.
165. I went to the emergency room last night.
164. I know all the words to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song.

Letters

So, I am going to steal Katie's brilliant idea(credit where credit is due.), and post some anonymous letters to people here, because this is my page and it will be all about me.

To _______,
I am sorry that I have wronged you, and just as sorry that you probably will never know what I did. I do value your friendship greatly and I hope that I can learn to be a better friend than I have been to you.


To _____,
I am so lucky to have such a wonderful person in my life. You put up with all my ridiculous and contradictory ways, and confide in me as much as I confide in you. I feel we truly have what a friendship is supposed to be all about, I can tell you anything without you judging me, but knowing that if I need you to help me out or give some advice I can count on you for it. I love you, you are a beautiful soul.


To ___,
I wish that I could take back what happened between us, because it was wasn't the best for either of us. I know that our friendship is stronger than this, though, and that we will be fine in the end if it doesn't happen again.

To ______,
I don't understand what attracts you to me, but I know that you are fighting the physical attraction you have for me to try to make the friendship work. I appreciate it and hope that you will be able to accept that we will never be more than friends. I thought you had, but recently learned that you still have to work at it. I just hope that you are not only my friend because someday you hope to change my mind about who I am attracted to.

To _____,
Even though I have no problems with people knowing that I am a lesbian, that is NOT the only aspect of my personality or who I am. I want you to stop making such a big deal out of it, and I wish that if I haven't told someone, you wouldn't tell them for me. And, just because I am generally attracted to girls, doesn't mean I am attracted to every girl I meet, just the same as hetero girls are not attracted to every guy they meet. You need to also understand that he doesn't like you the way you like him. You are putting too much of yourself into something that you aren't getting what you think you are out of it. You are going to cause yourself alot of heartache if you keep doing this to yourself. I am conflicted because, there are many aspects of you that are what make you my friend, but I am not sure how much longer I can take some of the flaws that you seem to be nurishing instead of trying to fix. You make yourself seem so giving and compassionate, but the truth is you are doing it for selfish reasons. You want people to like you, and think that if you are doing these things that they will like you. Give it up. People are not suffering for your gain.

To ____,
I can't belive you keep leading me on like this and I keep falling for it. This is exactly what you always did when we were friends. But this is it, you must tell me what is going on and everything I want to know about this shit, I will not sit around anymore waiting for you to tell me in your own sweet time. I have been forgiving enough I think to allow you to have done this to me for more than 2 months already. If you haven't decided that the time is right to tell me yet, I don't think you ever will. And if you keep not coming to school just because you don't damn well feel like it, you will get kicked out, you won't graduate, and I will laugh at you. And it will make me feel better than I have felt in a long time.

To _______,
I know we have been friends for several years now, and it sort of feels like we don't have much in common with each other anymore except for some classes, a game, and a few friends/bitches. I simply hope we can find a way to hold onto our friendship, not simply for the sake of a long-term friendship, but because I can't imagine not having such an insightful and honest, and generally likable person in my life, I haven't met anyone like you, and I don't think I will. I don't want to lose that.


Long post, but I think I understand why anonymous letters rock, I feel better just getting this stuff off my chest without actually addressing anyone.